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Previous Issues > September 2007 > Manners Matter > Manners Matter With Truman And MRS. F
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 Manners Matter
Manners Matter with Truman and Mrs. F
Q. When I go out with my friends, most of the time I hear them talking back to their mom. I live with my grandmother, and she does not ever let me talk to her the way some of my friends talk to their parents. I think its all these sitcoms on TV. How can parents keep their kids from acting like theyre in a sitcom? Tressa H.
A. Dear Tressa,
I am not sure if television reflects society's wants or if it dictates it; regardless, while I do not hold TV or any other kind of popular culture "responsible" for the state of our children's behavior, I ask you and all the parents out there: When is the last time you really took a look at what kinds of programs there are for children on TV? While there are many shows that present lessons of kindness and include emotionally and intellectually enriching content, mostly what I see is the opposite.
None of us parents are perfect, certainly, and my child has had notes sent home from school for inappropriate behavior many times; but I must be willing to monitor closely and in some cases disallow certain kinds of influences to be in my children's lives. I am continually trying to teach my children about good choices, and with that, I must keep a very "low tolerance" for allowing them to "talk-back."
We must ask ourselves: Do we really find talking back to be all that surprising when young girls are allowed to think it is desirable to be called a brat and teenagers aspire to be "divas." I don't find chips-on-the-shoulder attitudes shocking when everywhere around us there is "entertainment" that relies on cartoon characters insulting each other for laughs. Is it any wonder, really, that we are seeing children imitate those kinds of mouthy and rude gestures? Of course it is not, but, I want to answer your question: It is up to parents to disallow talking back. We cannot blame TV alone; we must look at a larger picture.
Further, the "self-esteem movement" has created the false belief that the only way kids can feel good about themselves is through pretending to be "equals" with teachers,
parents and other authority figures. Somehow, in our effort to "create a fun environment for learning" through using popular media, we have imbedded the idea that "you are important" so much so that "feeling good about yourself" has replaced "feeling good about the way you treat other people."
Arguing and talking back does not instill positive personal esteem; instead, it solidifies a constant need for feedback, a characteristic that surely leads to insecurity.
When your friends' parents tolerate the demands of their own rude children, please know that they are not doing them any favors. Children who learn to be good at making "snappy" comebacks and who learn how to give the "best" insults are not developing a very useful life skill. Instead, they are learning that their self worth comes from feeling that they are right and everybody else is wrong. That is not self-esteem that is self-centeredness.
I am glad to know that you are out there: You are an aware and kind person who has real self-esteem that is based in respect for yourself and for other people. And because of that, and the valuable lessons your grandmother has taught you, your life is and will be even more special than you can imagine.
Truman and Mrs. Susan Fleming will be glad to answer your questions on manners and etiquette. Susan Fleming is a home economist, editor and lifestyle writer, specializing in the areas of entertaining and children's etiquette. Just e-mail your question to
manners@kidsvillenews.com. If we use your question in the publication, you will receive a Kidsville News! t-shirt!
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